Nicola Alpe: Do’s and don’ts to avoid disaster on your wedding day

OPINION:

Contrary to the blossoms and daffodils, and taking rules around gatherings into account, it may not feel like spring wedding season just yet.

I love weddings. I love attending, I love looking at civilian and celebrity pictures and I love the drama. I didn’t love the drama surrounding my wedding. No, that caused an enormous stress pimple and shrieked conversations to my beloved who happened to be away on business or at his Las Vegas stag every time a catastrophe headed my way.

With Northern Hemisphere weddings wrapping up and our season approaching, I’ve been feasting on shameful crimes surrounding weddings and pondering the punishments.

Crime: Your future mother-in-law

A MIL can be a crime in herself. When I read about a MIL’s wedding outfit that was in fact her own wedding dress, or one insisting on dressing and being treated like a bridesmaid, I want to reach into the internet, gently clasp the bride’s hands and tell her that if her fiance doesn’t back her up or see a problem, to quickly split the joint bank account and run.

Few people will walk away from the person who gave them life, even if they are as toxic as Chernobyl and its surrounding villages, so it’s either learn to live with it and accept nothing will change or get out of there. Is the relationship worth the snide comments, her pursed lips and your adrenal fatigue? I say it’s a life sentence if you are at the receiving end.

Crime: The +1 invites

Weddings are more political than the latest Aukus kerfuffle with France and a +1 can escalate to nuclear in a heartbeat. I’ve heard there is a trend afoot to not invite partners unless they are serious. This is a great, exceedingly ballsy move. I’m interested in the classification of serious though. Couples are also invoicing guests for no shows and some even charge guests to attend. What’s more outrageous, bringing someone who wasn’t invited or charging someone to attend?

One of our guests brought a +1, sliding them past my husband who is much more accommodating than me. People said how nice she was, what a great couple they made. I replied I would never see her again. I was right. I trust she enjoyed our wedding though.

Asking or just bringing along a +1 is irritating at the time and massively disrespectful but years later is the equivalent to a storm in a teacup. I say nothing a spell in the holding cells won’t fix.

Crime: Stealing the thunder

We collectively gasped when Pippa emerged in 2011 wearing white and wearing it damn well. Until then no one wore white other than the bride, but a royal wedding is orchestrated to the hilt so that was more a choreographed move than Pippa usurping Kate’s big moment.

Stealing the limelight can involve, but is not limited to: wearing something inappropriate, choosing to propose at a wedding or reception, announcing big news like a pregnancy, and breaking up with someone at a wedding. That happened at ours and when I saw him standing alone, I quickly decided that on my wedding day, someone else could deal with it.

Love is in the air and emotions are high so it’s only natural that secrets will be spilled, or someone will think a grand gesture all about them is appropriate at someone else’s wedding. I say release with a stern warning.

A foolproof way to celebrate love this season? Make the celebrations intimate and about the couple, dodging any gathering restrictions and ensuring love is the win.

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