What it's REALLY like to be sexually spontaneous
What it’s REALLY like to be sexually spontaneous: People who never think twice before jumping into bed tell Tracey Cox their most hair-raising antics (and how YOU can ditch your inhibitions)
- Tracey Cox says spontaneity is usually lacking in long-term relationships
- But doing it right there and then is a good reminder of early days of passion
- Has spoken to women about their most spontaneous sexual encounters
- Also shares her tips for ditching your inhibitions and how to avoid pitfalls
Anyone who reads my column knows I am a big fan of planned sex (for lots of long-term couples, sex simply wouldn’t happen unless they make time for it.)
But there are many reasons why your sex life will benefit from having more spontaneous sex, too.
Doing it right there, right then, reminds you of what sex was like at the heady start.
Adding danger gets your heart thumping and causes those (long dried up) sex and love hormones to come flooding back.
Doing it when the urge strikes is often the most satisfying time. Delaying by mere seconds usually means the moment has passed, the excitement drains – and opportunity is lost.
Having any kind of risky sex pushes you out of your comfort zones – one of the few known ways to keep us interested in sex when we’re forced to do it with the same person repeatedly.
Seriously, how exciting is sex in your bedroom, just before sleep, ever going to be when it’s the thousandth time you’ve done it?
Tracey Cox says spontaneity is usually lacking in long-term relationships and has shared her tips for making things less routine (stock image)
Despite the obvious benefits, being spontaneous doesn’t come easily to us planners of the world (guilty as charged – I’m putting my own hand up for this one!).
But there are ways to make yourself more spontaneous – and avoid the risks and pitfalls that can result when you do act on the spur of the moment.
All the tips and tricks you need are right here – and inspiration from the truly spontaneous, who confessed all when I asked what happens if you don’t think twice before giving into those impromptu sex urges…
Tracey said that she’s a fan of planning sex, but says your sex life will benefit if you become more spontaneous too
THE BEST SPONTANEOUS SEX ENCOUNTER I’VE EVER HAD…
Quite the road trip!
‘My boyfriend had always wanted me to give him oral sex while driving down a highway.
Years later, we did the Route 66 road trip across America, and I suddenly remembered as we were driving along. I unzipped his trousers and went for it and he loved every second…except then he wasn’t loving it and was telling me to stop.
I lifted my head, confused, and looked into the eyes of a bemused truck driver, driving alongside us with a bird’s eye view of the action. Word of caution for anyone wanting to attempt this: people in high riding vehicles can see into your car.’
Getting hot in the hospital
‘My husband was in hospital for two days after an operation. By day two he was feeling better and we joked about playing ‘doctors and nurses’.
The nurse had just checked on him, so we figured we had some privacy for a little while. I closed the curtain and gave him oral sex until he came.
It only took a few minutes but the thought of being discovered made it really hot for both of us. He loved me for taking the risk and it’s something we both relive when having sex now.’
Romping at Ikea
‘I’d just started dating a new guy and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He needed to pick something up from Ikea for his Mum, so off we went dutifully. When we got there, there was hardly anyone in the store.
We started playfully mucking about in the bedroom section and then things got heated.
We found a little area behind a cupboard that seemed private and had sex against a wall. It wasn’t difficult to get away with. You’re always on the lookout for places to have sex when you’re young and/or you first meet someone.
My new partner and I have made a pact not to become boring b*****ds just because we’re out of that beginning stage.’
How to ditch your inhibitions and be more open to impromptu sex
Stop waiting for the perfect time: So many couples need to tick so many boxes before sex happens. Sex gets shelved because you’re both too tired, too bloated, not in the mood, the kids might come in, you have a big day the next day. Truth is, you can have a perfectly good, satisfying sex session in under ten minutes. If you wait for perfect conditions to have sex, it will happen rarely – if ever!
Act, don’t think: Make a pact to act on impulses and not think things through too much. The only questions you need answers to before having sex on the spur of the moment are: Will we get arrested? Are we putting ourselves in danger? Will it be a really bad thing if we get discovered? If the answer to the first two is no and the last is a bit of embarrassment but no major fallout, go for it!
Stop seeing sex as just intercourse. Sex is any erotic encounter between the two of you. That might be a long, sexy snog in the middle of a park. It might be a (discreet) hand sliding up your leg in the back of a cab on your way home from a boozy night out. It might be you unzipping him and taking him in your mouth for two glorious minutes of oral sex in the bathroom during a dinner party at a friend’s house. (Yes, you can get away with it with creative timing!). The smaller the sex session, the easier it is to be spontaneous.
Challenge why you’re saying no. We all tend to have a default knee-jerk reaction of ‘No!’ to things we haven’t tried before or don’t know much about. The next time your partner suggests doing something you haven’t considered before, think ‘What’s a good reason to do this?’ rather than ‘What’s a good reason NOT to do it’. Unless it’s something that absolutely doesn’t appeal or there’s a risk one of you is going to be (unintentionally) hurt physically or emotionally, would it kill you to at least try it once?
Plan for spontaneity. Yes, it sounds counter intuitive – isn’t the definition of spontaneous sex NOT planning it? – but hear me out. Make a list of places you’d like to have sex in but never have. Make a list of things you’ve never done but would like to. If all that’s already in your heads, you’ll be more likely to think of having sex in situations that allow you to tick off items on the bucket list.
Take turns with the surprises. It’s not cheating if one of you knows you’re going to have sex in advance. Arrange to meet your partner for lunch at a restaurant, then call them ten minutes before and meet in a hotel room you booked instead. Jump in the shower with them. Go commando when you’re next out to dinner and let them know two minutes before the waiter arrives to take your order.
Always up for a spontaneous session
‘I’ve been with my man for eight years and we’re still having sex between four or five times a week. I think it’s because we have sex so often, our bodies let us know if we aren’t having enough. We never plan our sex sessions: we just take advantage of any situation where it might be fun to have sex.
Last week, we had sex in the spare room at my sister’s house while we could hear her and her husband getting ready for bed across the hall.
On the weekend, we did it on top of the washing machine in the laundry. If you haven’t tried it, do it. The vibrations feel really good and it’s more comfortable than you think!’
‘We’re not scared to take risks because we’ve done it for years and only had one or two bad experiences. Most of what you worry about never happens. The only time it’s ever really backfired on us was when we decided to have a quickie in a cemetery.
It was a stunning sunny day and there was no-one around, so we started going for it, doggy-style, in between two graves. We’d positioned ourselves so we were both looking in what we thought was the only direction people could approach us.
Next thing, I’m being whacked on the head with a bunch of flowers and an old lady is screaming at us. We were having sex next to her late husband’s grave and she was not happy. She came daily and got in through a break in the fence, to save having to walk all the way around.
We felt terrible about it and apologised profusely. The last thing we wanted to do was upset anyone or seem disrespectful. We pacified her a little but she wasn’t happy!’.
Learning from an affair
‘Our relationship started as an affair so we’re great at spotting opportunities for fast sex. If we’re at a friend’s house and they pop out for something, we look at each other and both are thinking the same thing.
It’s easy to get away with giving each other hand-jobs on the beach or in a park if you put a blanket over your laps. The riskiest place was on a pool table in a dodgy bar – it was deserted, late at night and the barman was clearly more interested in looking at his phone than bothering to check what we were up to.’
HOW TO AVOID THE RISKS AND PITFALLS OF SPONTANEOUS SEX
Being sexually spontaneous is admirable. Just make sure you know the difference between spontaneous and reckless.
These are the questions you should ask yourself before diving in head first.
Who are you doing it with?
If it’s your partner, go right ahead. If it’s someone forbidden – your boss, someone already attached, a co-worker you need to eyeball every day – you need to stop and think things through. Is this moment of spontaneity doing to be worth the fallout?
Is it safe sex?
Making eye contact with someone and knowing the chance of having sex with them later is intoxicating. But what’s the risk factor? If it’s sex with a stranger, going back to their place may put you in danger? Let friends know the address and get them to call you if you don’t text back after a certain time. Or have sex on your terms in your own place, with flatmates/family in the next room.
Have you got condoms with you to protect against STIs? If you’re not on birth control and there’s a chance you’ll end up pregnant, it is wise to take the risk?
What’s the fallout if you get caught?
Having your Mum walk in at an inopportune moment can either funny or traumatising, depending on your relationship and your Mum’s personality. Having sex on the boss’s desk, drunk during the office party, seems like a great idea at the time; not so clever if there’s CCTV or they walk in, catch you at it and there goes that job/promotion.
What would happen if the authorities caught you? Know the rules of the country you’re in. On holiday is often when we’re more likely to succumb to a spur of the moment desire for sex – long liquid lunches and a relaxed mind are the perfect aphrodisiacs. Having sex on a beach in Australia is fine, having even a lusty snog on a beach in Dubai, could land you in jail.
Listen to Tracey’s weekly award-winning podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, wherever you listen to your podcasts. You’ll find her two product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk and more tips on sex and relationships on her website traceycox.com.
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