Uh…I Have a Few Questions About Hallmark's Holiday Movie Lineup
Hallmark just announced its holiday movie schedule and if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to sit down before you look at this bad boy. It is…overwhelming. This year, they’re releasing a whopping 40 seasonal movies and all I have to say is that there is simply just not enough eggnog in the world to fathom this list.
While there are plenty of things that we know for sure about this long list of films (two will be Hanukkah-themed, this movie marathon begins October 25, and there will be musicals), this announcement leaves me with a lot of burning questions. Here are a bajillion concerns I have regarding Hallmark’s 2019 Countdown to Christmas.
1. Is it absolutely necessary to drop 40 movies?
Last year, Hallmark broke their own movie-releasing record by giving us 38 movies. Obviously, they decided to try to break that by creating 40 movies…but why? Did anyone ask them to break a record?
2. How many pounds of fake snow have been harmed in the making of these films?
Is that even how you measure fake snow? In pounds? Are there snow interns? So many movies with so much snow has me convinced that at Hallmark, there is at LEAST one employee with “snow” in their job title.
3. There’s definitely an official, secret Hallmark movie formula, right?
I’m convinced that somewhere, there’s a heavily-guarded vault filled with all of the secrets to creating one of these movies. It’s like, “at the 37:49 mark, flash to b-roll footage of children making a snowman.”
4. Is Gretchen Wieners in…all of them?
I understand that Santa Claus probably feels very badly for that “AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS” jab, but it feels a bit OTT to put Lacey Chabert in every Christmas movie for the rest of eternity. Am I wrong?
5. Who’s going to replace Lori Loughlin?
Hallmark is moving right along without Lori Loughlin…but who could ever take her place? Oh wait. Maybe the answer here is Lacey Chabert, AKA Gretchen Wieners.
6. Is every male love interest a widower?
Apparently, ’tis the season to fall in love with a guy who lost his wife. This is bleak.
7. How come every woman has just dumped someone?
We want to see representation for the girls who have been single for the last 26 consecutive holidays!
8. Will there be a hologram Elvis in ‘Christmas at Graceland: Home for the Holidays’?
Or, are they going to cheap out and give us a Vegas impersonator?
9. Can we get at least one horror movie?
The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of the greatest movies of all time because it’s spooky AND jolly. The fact that Hallmark has not yet forayed into creepy shit seems like a vast oversight.
10. Does true love only exist in teeny, tiny towns?
Everyone falls in love after leaving a city and moving back home. Which Hallmark executive got dumped in Times Square and is taking it out on 40 holiday-themed movies a year?
11. Are the leads allowed to kiss more than once?
Please show me a Hallmark movie where the two main lovebirds get any more action than kissing once. I would truly love to see it. Maybe they can pair up with The Bachelor and give us some vague Fantasy Suite scenario.
12. WHERE DOES ALL OF THIS MONEY COME FROM?
While it’s possible that producing 40 movies with the same theme may leave some room for thriftiness (they can prob just pass the same winter coats around without anyone noticing), there’s no way it’s cheap to create this many movies. I guess my main question here is: does Hallmark have a money printing machine? And if so…may I visit it? My student loans are surely only a fraction of the cost required to produce multiple movies with “Inn” puns in the title.
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